What is it really like to live with an ED ?

AK
8 févr. 2020
4 min de lecture

Living with an eating disorder (ED) is not a fad or a phase someone goes through. It’s not for attention. It’s not what someone does to “lose a couple of pounds”. When a person becomes diagnosed with an eating disorder, they have completely lost control.

It starts out as a control thing when everything is spinning out of control in your life. It starts as a control mechanism in the chaos of everyday life. Then one day, it ends up controlling you. It defines you. It takes over. Yes, it takes over every thought, every day, every plan, every conversation. It is the feeling of being unworthy, not good enough, having no purpose.

It is not an attention thing.

So, if you’ve ever wondered what living with ED is really like, here’s for you:

A day with ED "friend" …

Some days are easier than others. Some days you think you won the battle, and the next day, you are hopeless. You never know when to stop or how to get off. It’s a continuous series of ups and downs. It’s a constant feeling of not being in control of your thoughts or the voices in your head. It is fearing the one thing you need to survive – food.

The scale determines the mood of the day. Whether it is up, down or the same will determine what you can/can’t do that day and how you will feel about yourself. And it is important to add that this is not a choice! Your head is literally controlling your thoughts and it’s almost impossible to get rid of them…You turn down invites to go out, but desperately wish you could go. It’s wanting to be normal and healthy, but the voice is so ingrained in your head that this way of living has become your normal. There is a constant thought of “fight the hunger” going through your head. The numbers just keep going around in your head like a broken record or a hamster on a wheel. It’s feeling cold and dizzy 24/7. An eating disorder makes you constantly thinking you need to lose weight in order to be good enough or worthy (irrational thought hello).

It’s having to battle daily with your own brain. The brain is on fire 24/7. On a good day, you are happy not to think about food but here you are thinking about it anyway (sounds crazy but that’s reality). On a bad day, someone talking about a diet or how much weight they have lost, or someone saying you look well, can completely push you over the edge (hello triggers)

You just want to sleep, because when you’re sleeping, you don’t have to think. Sleep is supposed to be the only time you really ever have peace now. But you can’t fall asleep because your brain is constantly thinking.

And don’t forget about the constant fear. Most people have common fears like spiders and snakes. Imagine having to face your worst fear every single day, multiple times a day, wherever you go. That’s what life is like for a person with an ED.

Food is everywhere. You see it on grocery aisle, driving around town, at work, at social events, during the holidays, etc. Food is central to our lives. Now imagine instead of food, it’s your worst fear, whatever that may be. Scary right?

What’s interesting is that most ED sufferers love food and enjoy being around it. They are constantly dreaming about the foods they want to eat. The majority like to cook and to bake. They are always looking for new places to eat at without ever going …They are passionate about everything related to food and nutrition. Food brings them a sense of happiness and fulfillment but not in the way it does for people without ED.

Trying to put into words what it is like to battle with your mind every second of every day seems next to impossible. People think recovery is so easy. "Why don’t you just eat/stop eating?” “Just get over it” “Stop being so dramatic” …After hearing that so many times, I start to wonder… well why don’t I? That seems like the simple solution to the problem, right? Just do that and then you’ll be fine. It will all go back to normal. Unfortunately, that’s not the case.

You might not understand it. And that’s okay. Ask questions. Be sincere. Don’t tell us things we already know (like what it’s doing to our body...). Don’t judge.

I am not a different person. I am still me. I am still able to function and to live my life. I am passionate about this topic of eating disorders which affects many people in our society. By sharing those articles, I want to start a conversation and to break the stigma.

I’m helping to spread the word about National Eating Disorders Awareness Week 2020 (2/24 - 3/1)! Join me and participate in the conversation by tagging (and following) posts with #NEDAwareness & #ComeAsYouAre on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

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